To my sweet Angel, so many years have gone by. You would have been 32 years old. I know there is no excuse for what I did. I am so sorry for not giving you life that you deserved. I was a single mom of a 10 month old baby girl and because of my own irresponsible actions, I got pregnant and I couldn't have another child by myself and I felt that my parents would be disappointed in me for getting pregnant and especially from a black man. I was afraid of how my father would react, after hearing him talk about my cousin getting pregnant by a black man. Also, seeing a friend of mine at the time have an abortion every time she got pregnant three times and thinking i would be okay. I was so wrong. It took years for me to connect why I had changed in so many ways and not value myself and life.
I confessed my darkest secret 13 years later. I still felt an emptiness and I didn't understand it for a long time. My life took a wrong turn for many years and I believed everything happening in my life, I deserved because of what I did and accepted.
I confessed my abortion many times and still felt empty. I couldn't forgive myself even after knowing God had forgiven me.
In 2016, I lived a ACTS retreat and this was the beginning of my new journey. After spending a weekend with God and coming back to the church and serving God. After this weekend, I knew God had forgiven me, I wanted to help in pro life. I went to my diocese to get information and this was when I found out about Rachel's Vineyard Retreat after abortion. I soon lived my retreat and volunteered helping out in the next retreat and becoming part of team after that. This was when God revealed to me in a dream that you were a baby girl and the following year he revealed to me what name I should give you, I heard a distinct voice when I was waking up one morning. God would reveal these two things to me in January, before retreat and around the time of Roe v. Wade.
I didn't know why at the time. During retreat I had talked to the director about God revealing this name and she asked if I had looked it up, I said no. So, she told me to look it up and that's when I found out why.
See, I wouldn't have chosen this name. Gayle, short form of Abigail. Meaning Happy God; Father in rejoicing; a father's joy. I named you Gayle and I presented you to God that weekend in our memorial service. I was able to spend time with you and I can say I don't feel that emptiness I once felt. My baby girl Gayle I hold you close to my heart and I know I have to share you with your siblings. I haven't been able to tell one of your sisters, for fear of her reaction of hating me. Know that I love you and I am so sorry I didn't give you a chance to live. You are God's beautiful precious gift. You are with all the other little Angels in Heaven and with Jesus. I love you my little one.