For a time, my Angel,
you and I will be apart,
And until I hold you in my arms,
I’ll hold you in my heart.
July 26, 1982 - July 26, 1982 

To my sweet Angel, so many years have gone by. You would have been 32 years old. I know there is no excuse for what I did. I am so sorry for not giving you life that you deserved. I was a single mom of a 10 month old baby girl and because of my own irresponsible actions, I got pregnant and I couldn't have another child by myself and I felt that my parents would be disappointed in me for getting pregnant and especially from a black man. I was afraid of how my father would react, after hearing him talk about my cousin getting pregnant by a black man. Also, seeing a friend of mine at the time have an abortion every time she got pregnant three times and thinking i would be okay. I was so wrong. It took years for me to connect why I had changed in so many ways and not value myself and life.

I confessed my darkest secret 13 years later. I still felt an emptiness and I didn't understand it for a long time. My life took a wrong turn for many years and I believed everything happening in my life, I deserved because of what I did and accepted.

I confessed my abortion many times and still felt empty. I couldn't forgive myself even after knowing God had forgiven me.

In 2016, I lived a ACTS retreat and this was the beginning of my new journey. After spending a weekend with God and coming back to the church and serving God. After this weekend, I knew God had forgiven me, I wanted to help in pro life. I went to my diocese to get information and this was when I found out about Rachel's Vineyard Retreat after abortion. I soon lived my retreat and volunteered helping out in the next retreat and becoming part of team after that. This was when God revealed to me in a dream that you were a baby girl and the following year he revealed to me what name I should give you, I heard a distinct voice when I was waking up one morning. God would reveal these two things to me in January, before retreat and around the time of Roe v. Wade.

I didn't know why at the time. During retreat I had talked to the director about God revealing this name and she asked if I had looked it up, I said no. So, she told me to look it up and that's when I found out why.

See, I wouldn't have chosen this name. Gayle, short form of Abigail. Meaning Happy God; Father in rejoicing; a father's joy. I named you Gayle and I presented you to God that weekend in our memorial service. I was able to spend time with you and I can say I don't feel that emptiness I once felt. My baby girl Gayle I hold you close to my heart and I know I have to share you with your siblings. I haven't been able to tell one of your sisters, for fear of her reaction of hating me. Know that I love you and I am so sorry I didn't give you a chance to live. You are God's beautiful precious gift. You are with all the other little Angels in Heaven and with Jesus. I love you my little one.      

My sweet precious little girl how my heart aches to this day. I thought I was healed of the pain that lays deep in my soul, however there are still triggers that bring me right back to that horrific day that I murdered you, I was so young and scared and my mom only asked me one question, do you want the baby? I was in shock that I was pregnant you see I was still a virgin! My answer was no and before I knew it I was in a hospital being put into labor, that labor ended your precious life! I don't know how far along I was but you were fully developed maybe 20-22 weeks old. I can still see you lying in the basin inside the hospital toilet as a nurse rushed in pulled my chin up and rushed me into the bed! What just happened? I was in shock and horrified!

It was many years later that God revealed to me that you were a little girl, a precious angel! You appeared to me in dreams each time I was pregnant after that and each time I thought it meant I was having a girl, but each time it was a boy. As you know my love, you have 5 brothers and they know about you, it was very hard to tell them yet God gave me the strength to do it! We have celebrated your birthday and I think of you each time I see your beautiful nieces . I'm so very very sorry for what I did to you, please forgive me. I know that one day I will be with you in heaven. In the mean time, please pray for me, your brothers and your father, your nieces and nephew, our complete bloodline. Rest in the arms of Jesus Mother Mary and Nana, Grandma and all our departed loved ones. You will never be forgotten. I carry you within me deep inside my heart. I love you my angel princess Elizabeth Marie Carrillo, your sorrowful mom     

I never got to give you the gift of life but you will always be remembered, and I will always think about who you would have been. Love, your mummy Bethany.     

My sweet tender one. Oh how I wish I could have met you and caressed the cheeks of your soft smiling face. I think of you every day when I awake and every night as I cry myself to sleep. You were too good for an awful world like this. I wish things could have been different. May the gates of paradise welcome you with open arms, and may God forgive me to greet you there. Kaddish, my prince.  

Dearest darling Luke (that's the name I had chosen),

What can I say except that I'm so sorry. You were unplanned but very much wanted in our family.

When we got the bad result of the 20 week scan I just couldn't cope. Your dad wanted us to keep you but I couldn't do it. To you, to your brother and most of all I couldn't do it to me.

Selfish.

I felt at the time that it would have been life changing, for all of us. I'm sorry but I just couldn't do it. I knew immediately. It took me a few days to talk your dad around. He was braver than me. He felt we could cope. I didn't want to cope and for that I am ashamed.

I have suffered for almost 17 years now - you are often in my thoughts. I know you are still around me and I've seen you over the years.

I paid the price by losing 3 other babies after that. Was that you trying to come back in another form? I'll never know. I've paid in other ways too I am sure. Payback for what I did.

You had a big brother - and you have two younger sisters now. Your brother is about to turn 18 and I sense that he knew about you. I sense he grieves for you but doesn't know what he's grieving for. He often said when he was younger that he wanted a brother but he wanted that brother to be a year or so younger than him - how could he know he was talking about you.

We are going to tell him. I don't know how he will feel but I want to explain to him why I have been such a stressed out mother all these years.

I hope he will forgive me. I hope you have forgiven me. I need to forgive myself.

I love you

Mum xxxx  

Matthew,
I am so sorry that you were denied a life! Your dad was selfish and only cared about himself! Abortion shot out of his mouth the second I told him about you. He bullied me, pressured me, blamed me, and lied to me to get me to lose you.

Deep down I knew he didn’t love me and I should have been braver! I didn’t want you not to have a dad- but instead of that you didn’t get a life! Which is way worse. I know God forgives me and I know you forgive me...maybe one day your dad will actually have some remorse and you can forgive him if that day ever comes. I don’t care. I know I’ll be with you in heaven...I can be a great mom to you and God is the best father. I will think about you, live the best life I can in your memory, help people and take good care of my kids on Earth.

I wish I had been able to stand up for myself. I wish I wasn’t so naive, I wish I had realized the type of person I was dealing with. I wish I had not gone into that hospital after I begged him not to make me.

You are surrounded in perfect love and even though to some you didn’t exist- I know you have been in the thoughts of many people on Earth....the “family” who learned about you. I am your mom and I know you existed and still do in heaven. God won’t keep us apart forever. One day I’ll come home to you, I promise if there is a way, I’ll come.

To your daddy “sperm donor” (if you can even call him that): I hope you one day understand the pain you caused me and what you did to our child. Even if you were using me for sex and didn’t love me, you had no right to put me through this and end our child’s life!! Everything you did since then is on our backs... all your accomplishments are not truly yours!! I did you a big favor and you tore my heart out! Enjoy all your success, meaningless relationships and casual sex and let’s hope the man in the clouds doesn’t judge you- ultimately there is a final judgement. I hope one day you realize that and make spiritual amends. Your son is waiting.

Love you forever my angel baby! Every time I look up at the stars I think of you. Every time I see fireflies I think of you. I’ll love you by moving on with my life and being the awesome mom you’d be proud of.

Love your mom      

Brenden- you are always in my mind and in my heart. I miss you every day. I still can't understand why you had to go so soon. I pray I will see you again so I can hold you and tell you how much I love you. Love, Mom    

Carter, you would be 34 now, my child that first made me a Mom. You are always in my thoughts, prayers and dreams. I pray with everything that I will see you again, hold you, tell you everything. I am so happy you are with God and he is taking care of you. I miss you every day. Love, Mom     

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I still wish things were different and that you were here. I wish I had been braver and stronger and not let people scare me, bully me, or push me into a decision I did not want. I pray you will forgive me and that God will forgive me and that I will see you again. I love you and I am truly sorry. Love your Mom.    

For my baby boy, to whom I offer a lifelong opus and a love without end – my angel in heaven. November 11, 2000 

I’m so grateful for the short amount of time I carried you in my womb. It was 12 years ago Dad and I gave into our fears and allowed the unthinkable to happen. I am forever sorry, but also hopeful as God healed us both through Rachel’s Vineyard, and we are forever changed, both by your life, and by your death. May you speak to thousands here and speak life through us. Where once there was only the silence of your death keeping us bound, now we will speak for you baby Grace, to hopefully touch the hearts of many.  

Today I send you my darling Angels my love. I continue to grieve for you everyday and wish that I could have done something to make up for murdering you.

I keep dreaming of children and now I know that even though I never saw you or held you, never cared for you, did anything for you, you visit me in my dreams when I worry about your souls.

A Nun said that Divine Mother Mary has been taking care of you and that she has given me Infant Jesus of Prague for comfort when I grieve. When you grieve may this be true, that Mother Mary comforts you as her Son comforts me.

Thank you for loving me, thank you for the short time that you spent with me. I wish that I could have had you, but at every time that I aborted, I made a selfish decision. To my miscarried babies I never understood why you left, but I trust God that this was the best decision made on your behalf.

The best part is that when you visit me you are all happy, beautiful and perfect. I wish that you would be each other's company in heaven. I used to be so scared that you went to satan, but now I know better. May the only torment you ever suffer be the way in which you left this earth.

I live everyday to see all of my babies one day in heaven. Visit your three sisters if you can and get to know them and give them joy. Especially visit your eldest sister who left us and never looked back.

May my prayers continue to assist you and if you have been assisting me I thank you, I love you, Bless you. I am grateful for you, all of you my Angels. You are my loves.

God Bless your souls and stay in the loving protection of our Divine Mother.
           

We had just had your beautiful sister, Dyana when you came into being. You surprised us, as it was too soon after her birth.

You lived for three months, enjoying my warmth, and I'm grateful for the time we had with you.

The birds came. Pounding at the windows with their feet. You had left us ... for another family maybe? It was April.

You are loved each and every year. I cry as I write wondering if you left for the Heavens or if you graced another home.

You have a brother too. He arrived just over a year later in the Summer. His name is Davis. You have two wonderful siblings that make us proud.

We love you and Miss you and Hope you are happy in Heaven or with your new family.

Forever loved,
Momma and Pappa   

Mommy loves you two very much. I regret and feel pain everyday. I want to hold you in my arms so bad. I'll be waiting for the day to see your faces. Please forgive me..
I love you
I love you
I love you...   

I wanted to make one of these for closure. Me losing you guys makes me feel more guilt than I ever could imagine. I just hope you'll forgive me.

The memories of that day have haunted me for almost 30 years now. Only heaviness, sorrow, and regret lingered afterwards. At the time, I was numb and thought I had no choice. I was fragmented, full of pain, and felt alone. I remember going to the library before that day and sitting there reading books on child care. I thought I had to 'find myself' first before being a parent, but you would have shown me who I am. I was content when you were with me for that short time. I dreamt of you recently and hope we will be together again someday. I miss you my only child in this life. Please forgive me. I want to lay down my grief now until we meet again. I love you.    

Thank you for allowing me never to forget you. You are always in my heart and mind. Momme loves you rest well, baby. 

I loved you from the moment I knew I had you inside me. I will always love you my princess. You’re my forever angel baby. 

My dear babies:), my sweet hearts:) I love you and you live deep in my heart. I am so sorry about my acts against you, I don't have words... Just I want to say: that moment I didn't know what I did. I am sorry for everything, for your deep pain. I believe that you stay near God and He cares about you. Every day I am with you in my prayers and I will meet you in the sky. You are my love babies, I am your mother. Please, forgive me and know that I am with you always here on the Earth. God gave me Eugenia-Maria, she is your sister here on the Earth. I embrace you warmly my dear babies, my sweet hearts.             

When life is over for me here, I assure you that I will be there to hold you. For now, run free. I love you, little one as your dad calls you.