You were an unexpected blessing that I took for granted. When I first saw your tiny heartbeat, I could not stop crying. I could not believe that any of this was real, that I was about to be a mom. When you waved at me, I was overwhelmed with joy. Your Grandma pointed out that you look like a tiny kitten. I laughed. I decided to tell your dad that I was pregnant and told him what had happened at the clinic. He was upset that I got an ultrasound done and told me to get an abortion. I was hurt and confused by the way he reacted. I decided to ignore his wishes and keep you because I had never felt this amount of happiness until I found out about your father’s infidelity.
If I ever accused your father of cheating, he would be furious and tell me that my overthinking made me delusional. But this time, I had proof that I wasn't crazy. When I confronted him about it, he would cry and say he was scared of losing me. What a bunch of nonsense. The issue was that, no matter what your father did, I still loved him, which made me realize I couldn't be your mother. How could I be your mom if I was too weak to leave a mentally abusive relationship? You would have grown up watching your mom be disrespected and humiliated, and I did not want you to think it was okay. And if I did leave him, I did not want to repeat the cycle of not having a father. It would have broken my heart if I had given you up. But if I had kept you, you would have had a tough life. You would have grown up too fast because I could not take care of you. On top of that, your father kept pressuring me to get the abortion and I ended up folding. I convinced myself that the abortion was the right option and that everything would be normal again.
I forgot what had happened when I awoke from the procedure and asked if I could see you. I was so excited to hold you until the doctor reminded me what had just happened. I felt like a complete moron asking to see you. Overwhelmed with sadness, I passed out crying. When I awoke, the doctor was annoyed that I was still there and told me to cover up. My brain could not process what had just happened. There was no way I had just lost you. My chest felt heavy and my body could not move. I could not leave you there but the nurses helped me up and rushed me out of the clinic. I zoned out halfway home.
The decision I had made left me heartbroken and remorseful. But your father was relieved that you were gone. He would be annoyed with me because my sobbing kept him up at night. And he continued to touch me despite the fact that I told him it made me uncomfortable. I no longer felt safe. This man was the devil and I had to get out of there because I could no longer endure the mental torture. He did not love me nor felt sorry for what he has done. He pretended to care because he noticed he was losing control over me. And I kept falling for his performance. A couple of days later I would wake up hearing someone cry in the middle of night but no one was there. And when I was alone I would hear someone call out my name. I thought I was going mad. I decided to get myself together because my father was dying in the hospital and I did not want to miss whatever chance I had with him left.
So I left.
I still loved your father, but I couldn't shake this awful feeling. I decided to speak with the girls with whom he had cheated on me with, and I learned something I shouldn't have.
Your father was a pedophile. And he was grooming girls online.
I was disgusted that I let someone like him pressure me into stuff I did not want to do and made me feel miserable every day. It makes me angry that I was so weak and pathetic. I didn't even try to be your mom and I didn’t have the courage to say I wanted to keep you. I failed at protecting you and I’m ashamed of myself.
To this day, I wonder what would have happened if I had kept you. How would I have approached the subject of your father? I know you would have searched for your dad, and by the time you have found out the truth, you would have experienced a variety of emotions. You would have been angry with me, and I would understand if you were. I did not want you to think that your father’s past defined you. You create your destiny. And I apologize for what I have done. It is something I can not take back and I will regret for the rest of my life. You were the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me, and I took it for granted.
I love you very much, and I miss you every day. I hope you can forgive me, Oliver. I was a terrible mom and I hope God gives you a family that will give you the childhood, the love, the support, and the future that you deserve.