Dear Little One,

You have no idea how much I think of you. How I miss you and hate what I allowed myself to do to you. I loved you with every bit of my being, yet I allowed people to convince me that convenience was more important than my maternal rights.

I was just a teenager, but even 20 years later I know that was wrong. I could have been a good mother to you. We would have been able to be a family together. I would have done everything for you, the same way that I now do it for your brothers and sisters.

Society tried to tell me that big families are a burden, or motherhood in general. Now that you have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, I cannot express how sad I am for not giving you a chance at life and the opportunity to know the joy our home has with so much love in it. I am so sorry. No one can take away this loss. But I hope that in finally putting this in writing, we can be free and meet again someday.

Love,
Mommy 

Just wanted to reflect: 20 years ago I was pregnant with you… by the end of the month you were gone 😢. I am so sorry sweetie. I was young and naive and if I really understood and knew what I was in store for I never would have.
I wanted you to have a happy life, 2 parents and want for nothing. I was told that I couldn’t have that and it was the world against me. I’m sorry I was scared and believed them. I’m sorry I didn’t have a better home life and parents- they were crappy!
I’m sorry your dad didn’t want you and wouldn’t tell his parents. I’m sorry he never really grew up.

I wish we had had help and resources and that maybe the timing was better.
I miss you everyday. I think about you now reflecting on 20 years that I’ve lived without you. They say it was my choice but it didn’t feel that way. It felt like his choice on my body.

Miss you baby
Mom

I was 22 years old when I found out I was pregnant. It was just me, no father in the picture. My mom and my aunt both tried to convince me that abortion would be the best option, and both of them were going to help me pay for the abortion, but I stood up for my baby and decided on keeping it. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on September 20, 2013.

My second pregnancy was when I was 26. Unplanned like my first one, but things were different for me. I was a single mother raising my beautiful three year old daughter, and I was just starting to get my life rolling. Had a job, had a car, had my own apartment, and I was happy with life. My second pregnancy made me think, and the word "abortion" entered my mind. I was mad at myself for even thinking such a thing, but over the next few weeks I told myself that abortion would be the easy way out. I don't want to be "THAT GIRL" that is unmarried with two children with two different fathers. I don't want this accident to destroy my wonderful little life that I got going for me. I don't want anybody judgment me for having a second child.

I told my mom about my pregnancy, and told her I planned on having an abortion. My mom gave me the greatest of hugs and the most support possible, she never even asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. I always wonder if things would have been different if she asked.

I aborted my second baby on June 10, 2017 in Whittier, California. It wasn't until the second that my baby was being aborted when I knew that I made the wrong choice. I started crying, nearly having an anxiety attack, and the nurse just tried to calm me down by saying "just a few more minutes."

For my baby I just want to say that mom will always love you. You should be running around this apartment right now trying to take over the world, but I took that away. Your sister is 7 years old, and maybe one day I will have the courage on telling her about you. I know I will be forgiven, but not a day goes by that I don't think of what should have been. I would have made it work, but the easy way out felt like an easy choice. I am sorry,.

Hi Matthew

I just wanted to let you know I am doing ok and getting better. I got my meds sorted out and have new job responsibilities this year coming up. I’ll be teaching students your age.

I wanted you to know I think of you daily and love you forever. I made a mistake that I couldn’t fix. I let other people decide for me. I am sorry for that.

I hope you are happy with God and I can’t wait to meet you one day when I return to God too. Right now I am being strong for my family and girls. I am being strong for my job. I never meant to harm you. I hoped it was pain free and humane. I agreed to it to protect you from being hurt and from pain of maybe not having a dad. Sounds stupid but it made sense to me at the time. I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt you. As a result I did- and I work on forgiveness for myself every day.

Love you and I’m ok!
Mom    

Dearest Glory,
The sadness never goes away, but I tell our story in hopes of helping other women and men heal from their abortions.
Love,
Mom
  

Am so sorry my baby...I was not able to protect you like your mother or defend you to this world that you're a must to come into it. You know what is really so bad, is that you were going to be born on 06/09/2021...your a Virgo baby my child and it hurts me the most because Virgo baby's are awesome to be with. Please he/she forgive me baby. I love you so much...I am sorry, I said I won't do it and promised, but still did it...forgive me baby...I regret it and it can't be reversed...I will forever remember you till the end. I love you.           

My two precious girls. I miss you everyday. Sara, you were my first. I was forced into aborting you. Even at the doctors office, I told the nurse I have changed my mind. She said, “You will be better off, it is not a baby, just tissue. The doctor came in, heard me protesting my abortion. He said, “It’s too late” And I was out. I blocked much of it.

Rebecca, I am sorry my precious. This time I blocked all of what I had done. You were taken in a hospital. I also had my tubes tied so I would not ever have to make the decision to take another’s life.     

Dear Sharyah
How are you doing today?
I don't know your exact birthdate but I hope you had a great birthday last year. Mother's day is coming up, and I wish you were here with me. I never really thought of myself as a mother, but I want you to know that I love you very much. I think you're beautiful and I know you are going to do great things. I can't wait to meet you.
Love "Elle"
AKA Mum        

Dear God,
Thank you for hearing my prayer and forgiving my sin. The 4 children are part of your kingdom. I don't deserve to be called mom, and will not make excuses, as a teenager I should have sought help.
They would be 24 years old this year.
Thank you for allowing me to keep the memory of them.
It is my prayer to know them in heaven.
Thank you for their lives and for saving me.
Amen!
Sincerely, from a Jesus blood washed sinner, forgiven, now saved  

It's so hard for me to look back at what I did almost 29 years ago.
I'm sorry for taking your precious life and for not being able to watch you grow.
I was terrified especially since I was only fifteen.
I thought if my problem is gone it would never be seen.
For years I tried to hide behind all of my pain,
but instead loneliness, depression, hurt, and guilt is what I gained.
Knowing you're in heaven with God is comforting.
I ask the Lord for forgiveness and to stop the suffering.
You're probably wondering why it took me so long to write you this poem.
I knew of God but needed a relationship with him first in order to really know Him.
Thank you for helping me find my way.
Years later when we were trying to conceive I would kneel down and pray.
I wonder about your dad and pray for him occasionally.
I know he is somewhere thinking about you and grieving in his own way.
I know I can't take back what happened and a piece of my heart is torn.
You have a little brother and we pray often for the unborn.
I love you dearly with all of my heart.
A weekend retreat was truly a blessing and was just the start.
I would love to ask you if you could be a part of our family.
The depths of my soul is what only God can see.

Love,
Mom












          

You would have been 21 this year and I think about you every single day. If I could go back and make a different decision and go into hiding I would do it in a heartbeat. I had such false sense of security getting involved with and trusting the brother of my best friend from childhood. He betrayed me (us) in the worst possible way and I gave in to his constant threats. I truly believed my options were death (he would kill me) or prison (because I would have killed him - in self defense) and that I saved three lives that day, yours, your older brother's, and mine. I have always been a fighter and the one time it mattered most, I gave in to fear. It's not okay. Your brother has missed out on so much not growing up with you, I feel heartbreak every single day. I told him about you when he was a young teenager and I know he would have been your protector! I'm so sorry baby girl, I'd give anything to have you back. ~Momma loves you!       

Our heartbreak, this was not our choice nor our way. You sweet child will be in our hearts forever, you were loved and the decision to end your life brought pain and anguish to so many family members. Through faith, we know that you are secure in Christ , yet in our flesh, we struggle to deal with this. We may only be your great grandparents, but you are blood of our blood and bone of our bone and will live forever in our hearts.   

My Jami, I love you so so much and I wish more than anything I could of protected you from what was to come. I WANTED YOU, I LOVE YOU...... You were so loved my lil roo, from aunts and uncles to cousins to your brother and sister, can't forget Nana and Papa. You also have a pretty awesome great aunt that cried when you were taken. You my boy will never be forgotten. I am so so sorry that you endured this horrible thing, it's wasn't fair and you deserve so much more. You find your uncle Kaleb and you boys wait for me cause I will be there and I want to scoop you both up and never let go. I know your name is Micheal James, your were supposed to be a Jr., but gma already knew you were my Roo my lil Jami. Fly High and Free Micheal James... Gma love you so so much........      

My dearest child, I don't know how or why I know you are a girl, because I unwisely chose, under pressure, to take your life. I have always called you Grace. I have grieved you every day of my life. I never had a child. The guilt of denying you life made me feel undeserving. You deserved so much better than me. I know you are pure innocence and light. I have felt your presence. I mark your age. I cry for you. I dream about you. I fear hell, yet hope for heaven, where I can beg your forgiveness. Please know I regret my decision every day of my life. I would have gladly given my life to restore yours. Still would. You are loved. You are mourned. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. I will never forgive myself.      

My daughter had called me telling me my other daughter, her sister was there at the abortion clinic. She would not talk to me. I knew I would be losing a grandchild in moments and I could not be there to stop her. I would tell her I love you daughter come home, we will figure this out. It’s okay. In my mind, I knew her father was against her having a child because he was a loser, had her go to the strip clubs and take her money. I have document proof of this.

I pray the women out there who are scared and don’t know what to do; do what is right. My boyfriend wanted the same thing-go get rid of the child you are carrying, he said he felt like kicking me in the stomach. It hurts and makes me want to cry when I read this. He is Mr. ManAboutTown and has won awards, etc. I held onto my child, my son and he is with me today. His dad wants nothing to do with him, but it is okay. I get to see him and talk with him every day and his stepfather calls him Bubba and they have conversations together and coffee. My son is 30 and working part time. He has given up on his father ever accepting him or even acknowledging him. He does not call his son. It was the best decision I made to keep my son.

If I could have the opportunity to talk to each woman who is going through this difficult time, I would. I went to a pregnancy counseling center for moral support. I wasn’t going to let anyone touch my child.

My boy. You would have been 40 this year. I think of you often and what could have been. One day I hope to be reunited with you to tell you all the things you need to hear from me and hold you in my arms as I always wanted to. XOXO  

You will never be forgotten my love. Mommy loves you forever. I can’t change the past but I can be your voice for the future. I’ll be seeing you ❤️ 

Matthew
I wanted you to know that I am doing better and healing. People keep telling me to “let it go” and don’t think about it, but it is so hard not to think about you. I will never be able to express the pain in my heart becuase I did this. This pain lasts forever I am afraid.

I am trying to resume my life and be in the moment. I am not the same person I was back then, and if I could change the past I would in a heartbeat.

Your dad didn’t love me but I loved him!! I loved him too much and he pressured me. I did it for him!! I should have kept you for myself- but I was told keeping you was me being selfish. Why was I so dumb??

You got to skip this crazy life (and I’m sorry for that) but you went straight to God! I asked him to take you back and I hope you are in his loving arms. I didn’t abort you becuase I didn’t love you. I did love you. In my messed up head I was protecting you from a father who wouldn’t love you and our families who I thought wouldn’t accept this and a life of poverty- as I had no education or money.

I wish I had kept you. I love you. Forever and always. Even if I am the only one in the universe who cares- I still do.

So I’ll try to let go and move on for my sanity...but sorry I’ll never be able to forget my child.

You would have been 19 this March. Happy early (almost) birthday. It should have been.

I feel like this is one of those mistakes that follows you until you die. I’ll try my best to learn my lessons and one thing I do look forward to about death is that I’ll get to see you, hug you and be with you finally. I have to live my life here but that makes me feel less scared.

I love you Matthew in a heart aching way only a mother can.

Love
Mom  

Baby Rocco,

I had your father arrested for trying to stab me, I did not know how I was gonna take care of you, I figured since I was only a few weeks it wouldn't matter, I felt your bones as they were taking you out of me. That's when I knew you were a human, a life that I had no right to take for that, I apologize. I hated your father and lived a life of misery. I pray that you are in heaven seated with Your Father who created you before you were in my womb.

You have two brothers here on earth and a sister with two baby siblings in heaven. I'm sorry and now will let God heal me knowing that I am able to tell you that I'm sorry. I so selfishly killed you to live my life here on earth without the burden of another baby. I ask for your forgiveness. Momma  

Dear Baby,

Please forgive me for killing you. I was so desperate for Love that I listened to what your genetic father said "its no big deal, in and out, Ill pay for it. With no Father myself and a raging crazy maniac mother, I was desperate for his approval and fairy tale ending.

I did it, I killed you and never thought about it until today. Today my heart is broken and I repent of my sin and ask God for forgiveness.

I never did get that unconditional love and have lived a life of heart ache unknowing and pushing down not feeling anything. I pray that your in heaven, an angel that did not have to endure the horrible life I had to offer you here down on earth.

Susan 

Dear Unborn Baby,

I'm sorry I killed you. The blinds were on and I had no idea what sex, pregnancy and having a baby meant. I was 17 and the man was 24. He took away my innocence and said you were nothing but a blob. I believed him so I went to the abortion clinic and they sucked you out of the womb. I pray that you are seated at the right hand of God and that He has restored you. Please forgive me and know that now that I understand, I love you and wish it could have been different.

Mom - Susan