Your father passed away before you. He was devastated your mother was ending your life before it began. We begged to be able to raise you, but she would not have it. Your life ended January of 1988. You are loved and never forgotten.      

We never held you, but we both loved you  

I’m responsible for paying for your termination by abortion. I deeply regret this. I wanted to marry your mother and support her and you. However, your mother’s parents didn’t want me as a son-in-law. They told your mother to inform me that the abortion would be paid by me. I was 18 years old and your mother was 17 years old. I’m always reminded of this when I see poor confused mothers going into the abortuary.

No one was there in 1974 to dissuade your mother from going in to have you destroyed. That’s why we stand outside these places and pray. We want people to know there are much better choices.  

Querida hija. Espero cada dia el momento en que te pueda abrazar.
Cambiaste mi vida y tu vida no ha sido en vano. Te amo y atesoro tu recuerdo con todo mi corazon. Dios ha traido paz a mi corazon, pero siempre te extranare, hasta el dia en que me encuentre con Dios y contigo. Mi preciosa princesa, mama te ama profundamente. Gracias por tu amor. Te amo muchisimo. Siempre. Tus hermanos saben de ti. Un dia estaremos todos juntos.   

"Emoni" means "Faith"... which is what I had in GOD... Faith that him keeping you as his angel was the right thing. Such a beautiful flower to compliment his growing garden you were. I miss you everyday baby girl. Mommy loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you always!    

Dearest James, I sit here today as I do everyday regretting my decision of terminating my pregnancy. You were God's gift sent to us to change all of our lives. I pray that you are safe with God and my grandparents and aunties. I pray that I am fortunate enough to meet you in the after life.

Please forgive me.

I love you,

mom xo  

"Amari" means Eternal, immortal; Goddess; To be loved; God said; Promised by God. You were our Blessing that we never got to meet, our Goddess, whom we will forever have a special place in our hearts. Sleep in Heaven Baby Girl!  

The names "Adom" and "Jeremiah" mean gift from God, which is exactly what you were... Although we never got to meet you. You were his gift that he decided was too precious to let go of. But we still love you and it'll remain that way until the end of time. Sleep in Heaven our little Angel. 

Not having you with us is our greatest regret and heartbreak in life! You are loved and missed by so many people! I will never let your fight for life be in vain my sweet child. Love forever, Mom and Dad  

I will always remember you both. I pray for you both. My first baby it was a shock that took you from me. My second baby, I'm so so sorry for not being strong for you and standing up for you. I was a coward. Not strong enough to be your voice. I have asked for forgiveness and God has. He is merciful! He is love. My babies you will always be in my heart. I love you both.    

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”- Psalm 34:18

Forever & always our angel son, brother, grandson.

Child of Tiffany and Rudy Paea Fifita

05-14-2021 - Eternity  

May you forgive mom and look down on her from heaven 

Your memory is honored by telling our story and speaking of the grief of missing you every day.

I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I did not trust in God and give you life. I'm sorry I chose an easy path that cost you your life. I acknowledge that you are human and what I did was murder. I humbly ask God for forgiveness and will never do this again. I thank God for his grace and mercy.    

Today is the day you died inside me 12 years ago. I am so very sorry. There are no words that can explain or describe how much I wish you were here. You were the baby your Dad and I wanted since we were 16 years old, but then life went by and we married other people, had kids, etc. We came back together 16 years ago, but he was and is still married, so having you seemed impossible at the time. Now, we look back and wish more than anything we had been strong enough and not fearful of the shame to keep you. I know you are in Heaven with your half-sister August who knew about you, and I know has you in her arms! I know my Mom was there to embrace you, and both of you there to greet my Dad when he got there. I wish you could have been the baby brother to your half-siblings, they would have adored you, please watch over Tanner, Kayden, Owen and Erin!
We love you sweet baby boy!
Mom and Dad    

I am sooooo sorry. My biggest regret to date is letting you go. May you & God forgive me.

To the baby,

I love you, so much. Your mom and your dad love you immensely. We have always loved babies and have babied each other out of love. We have imagined having a baby together and seeing them grow up.

When you came in my life, I kind of knew that I had someone with me throughout my days. I knew you were in my belly. The test only confirmed my thoughts. I was overwhelmed. I didn't want to cry, but I wanted to take it in that you were with me.

Your father was happy, too. But these emotions couldn't last seconds before thoughts of how it has to be handled flooded in. We immediately panicked, your father handled me and ensured that things will be okay.

I felt guilty about involving him again in my life when I needed him like this. But, it was a blessing in disguise. We held you together, and felt so much love for you. For the three of us. Our small little world in this huge world.

Your father was with me throughout the tests and procedures, he was so careful and attentive about me. He comforted me and made every arrangement for the procedure.

The two days I knew you were with me, I couldn't help but feel complete. I was panicking, obviously, but I was filled with sorrow of parting with you.

I did it because my mom and dad won't be able to handle this. I don't want to imagine what would have happened. I wasn't ready for you, and neither was your dad.

Believe me, we would have loved to be ready for you and welcome you in our arms together, to give you all the love with which we made you.

But I am sorry. I am so sorry, I haven't come this far in life to be able to protect and provide for you. Love just isn't enough. I know that if I had taken better measures in life, maybe, just maybe I would have been earning enough by now and settled with your father to have welcomed you happily. I am sorry, I am not there yet. When I will be, I don't know if I'll be able to make another baby like you because I would be thinking of you only. Your father thinks otherwise.

During the procedure, I felt very cold, scared, and I felt all the pain there was. But, it wasn't so bad because I knew I deserved that pain. Those were my consequences.

Eventually, you left us and only pain was left. I felt the pain in my heart, my soul, and my body. Looking back, I know I deserved it all, but I wasn't taking it well back then. My body was giving up on me, as if my womb was crying for your loss. I felt all of it.

Now that my body and mind is healing, my soul doesn't want it to go back to how things were before you. It doesn't want to forget you.

I am dreading the day I experience no pain, because maybe I won't be reminded of you again and I don't want to forget you. I don't want this pain to go away, because I don't want you to go away.

This is very hard on your father, and I know it'll be harder to understand whatever I feel, because what I'm feeling is illogical and impractical.

I'm filling this hole you left in my soul with things like joy from knitting, cooking, sunlight, movies, warmth of the heater or the blanket, or even cuddles from your father.. but I think it's a bit too deep to fill yet.

Maybe it would have been different if my close friends knew, or another person who has gone through this knew, but right now, I feel alone. It doesn't mean your father isn't of help. He is. He is also going through the loss of you. He loved you immensely. He loves me and I love him, too. We'll figure it out. 

Dear Sammy,
Although I never got to find out your sex I knew you would be named after your grandparents. I was so happy when I found out you had chosen me to be your mom. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted you! Please know that. Never did I think I’d end up with someone who could not only hurt me, but threaten to hurt you too. That day I should have asked for help. I was so scared. I felt I had no voice. No choice. I felt like a coward who should have fought for her baby. Then another part of me said you would never have to grow up in an abusive household so I convinced myself I did the right thing. I still don’t know if I believe I did. I’m so sorry! It’s almost 10 years and the pain doesn’t go away. I celebrate your “birthday” every March. I always think of the person you would have become. I sit and watch everyone I know become parents. A part of me always cries. I wonder if not getting pregnant after you is my punishment. Then again maybe I haven’t been able to grieve you properly. You were a person to me. You were here! You mattered! You existed! I cared! Although I can’t go back in time just know I think of you always. You’re always in my heart, mind and soul. I pray for the day we can hug each other, and I can whisper how much I love you and I’m sorry!
Love always,
Your Mother!     

Zi,
Mommy loves you so much. I always wanted a boy, but that was taken from me. Despite the circumstances, Mommy has loved you from the moment that you were in my tummy and I still do. I know that one day I will meet you and your precious siblings that have gone before you in heaven. I can't wait for that day to come. I have a candle that I light when I think of you. It helps me to remember that you are now in the light of Christ in heaven. I know that you are safe in the arms of God. I know that you have no pain. I know that you are happy and running on those streets of gold. I will never forget you my precious boy.   

“You were born silent into this world, but their little life spoke volumes.” “A life need not be long lived, for it to be meaningful.” “You didn't stay for long, but in those precious few weeks, you changed me forever.”

I will hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven 

Some day I will see you in heaven… my precious son…