Mommy loves you very much and I am so sorry. I can't wait to meet you in heaven.

To my first son I couldn't give a chance at life, I'm truly sorry 😭😭. I was young and naive and your daddy wasn't ready so we had to terminate you. My heart is always sorrowful knowing I made a selfish decision and I know you are in heaven, you are forever loved.😭😭❤❤❤❤
16/11/2017     

I've never gotten over the pain, shame and disbelief of what I committed on innocent life, so many years ago, when I was a different person. My heart has never healed and the scar I bear is the penance I accept. I only pray that you have forgiven me and ask God to have mercy on my sorrowful soul. I love you my beautiful children.     

My angel, I still have questions about that day, seeing your pink body. No one knows how I felt about you because I named you twins at birth, it seems like two. I carry you in my heart, although your brother was a little older then you. I love you, I'm sorry for the fight that caused you your life. 31 years 2020    

I love you Son, never doubt that!! Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here. I'm sorry my love. I know by now you have met your brother and sisters, Great Gram, and your grandfathers. Keep them company while you wait for me. Forgive me for not being able to keep you, I loved your dad so much, he didn't want you. I kept you as long as I could. You were 4 months old, my parents wouldn't support me, I was all alone, at 18 with your oldest brother struggling to take care of him. I wish I was stronger, older, and wiser. I never would have killed you, for them. I'm so sorry Son, I love you, Kel
Momma
HBD Son, 2020 (32)     

My angel.... Mommy didn't know what a blessing it was to have you. A sheer precious gift from God.
I was too young and selfish . Blessed are the youth who realize this. I love you.     

Happy 21st Birthday my Son. My heart is sorrowful knowing I made a selfish decision to make my life easier at that point in my life so many years ago. I think of you and your sister often. I know you are both in Heaven looking over me and your brothers and sisters. I pray Son that your Grandpa and the rest of your family are holding you tight for me until I get there. The day we meet will be a sweet homecoming, save me a seat next to you. We have alot to talk about. Celebrating your life here on earth today! Sending big hugs.

Love Momma

I was young and didn't know any better when I was pregnant with you, my sweet baby boy. I am sorry that I did not tell someone that I was pregnant with you. Maybe you would be here today had I spoken up. I could have gotten prenatal care and maybe you would not have been miscarried. I hope you can forgive me! I will always love you and I will never forget you. You are my sweet angel in heaven.  

I am sorry you are not here with me on earth. I hope you forgive me for not giving you a chance at life. You are forever loved and in my heart. I will never forget you.   

I love you so much my precious baby. I mean I love you more than anything. I’m sorry that it took me making the biggest mistake of my life to realize that. I love you more than I love me and I wish I could’ve knew you. I am so sorry. You are my angel forever. Mommy loves you and I’m so sorry. We will meet again, if you will allow it, if you could ever find it in yourself to forgive me. I am feeling so low my baby. I am so sorry that I’ve done this.. You are my precious sweet baby and I will love you forever and a day.   

To my first baby
I am sorry for what I did. I couldn’t bring you into the world I was part of at the time you were conceived. I was lost in grief, your dad was a drug dealer. He didn’t want you and wouldn’t have cared about you. I was just starting my degree at the university. I couldn’t have cared for you and with my irresponsible actions, I didn’t know how it may have impacted on your development in those short 10 weeks you were alive inside me. I had high aspirations for you and it was cruel. I am cruel. I will never forget you, I love you, my baby boy     

You were so loved for all of your short life. I hope we get to meet again some day. The joy and excitement you brought us will never be forgotten. Heartbroken that we
will never get to hold you.
RIP x 

For a time, my Angel,
you and I will be apart,
And until I hold you in my arms,
I’ll hold you in my heart.
July 26, 1982 - July 26, 1982 

To my sweet Angel, so many years have gone by. You would have been 32 years old. I know there is no excuse for what I did. I am so sorry for not giving you life that you deserved. I was a single mom of a 10 month old baby girl and because of my own irresponsible actions, I got pregnant and I couldn't have another child by myself and I felt that my parents would be disappointed in me for getting pregnant and especially from a black man. I was afraid of how my father would react, after hearing him talk about my cousin getting pregnant by a black man. Also, seeing a friend of mine at the time have an abortion every time she got pregnant three times and thinking i would be okay. I was so wrong. It took years for me to connect why I had changed in so many ways and not value myself and life.

I confessed my darkest secret 13 years later. I still felt an emptiness and I didn't understand it for a long time. My life took a wrong turn for many years and I believed everything happening in my life, I deserved because of what I did and accepted.

I confessed my abortion many times and still felt empty. I couldn't forgive myself even after knowing God had forgiven me.

In 2016, I lived a ACTS retreat and this was the beginning of my new journey. After spending a weekend with God and coming back to the church and serving God. After this weekend, I knew God had forgiven me, I wanted to help in pro life. I went to my diocese to get information and this was when I found out about Rachel's Vineyard Retreat after abortion. I soon lived my retreat and volunteered helping out in the next retreat and becoming part of team after that. This was when God revealed to me in a dream that you were a baby girl and the following year he revealed to me what name I should give you, I heard a distinct voice when I was waking up one morning. God would reveal these two things to me in January, before retreat and around the time of Roe v. Wade.

I didn't know why at the time. During retreat I had talked to the director about God revealing this name and she asked if I had looked it up, I said no. So, she told me to look it up and that's when I found out why.

See, I wouldn't have chosen this name. Gayle, short form of Abigail. Meaning Happy God; Father in rejoicing; a father's joy. I named you Gayle and I presented you to God that weekend in our memorial service. I was able to spend time with you and I can say I don't feel that emptiness I once felt. My baby girl Gayle I hold you close to my heart and I know I have to share you with your siblings. I haven't been able to tell one of your sisters, for fear of her reaction of hating me. Know that I love you and I am so sorry I didn't give you a chance to live. You are God's beautiful precious gift. You are with all the other little Angels in Heaven and with Jesus. I love you my little one.      

My sweet precious little girl how my heart aches to this day. I thought I was healed of the pain that lays deep in my soul, however there are still triggers that bring me right back to that horrific day that I murdered you, I was so young and scared and my mom only asked me one question, do you want the baby? I was in shock that I was pregnant you see I was still a virgin! My answer was no and before I knew it I was in a hospital being put into labor, that labor ended your precious life! I don't know how far along I was but you were fully developed maybe 20-22 weeks old. I can still see you lying in the basin inside the hospital toilet as a nurse rushed in pulled my chin up and rushed me into the bed! What just happened? I was in shock and horrified!

It was many years later that God revealed to me that you were a little girl, a precious angel! You appeared to me in dreams each time I was pregnant after that and each time I thought it meant I was having a girl, but each time it was a boy. As you know my love, you have 5 brothers and they know about you, it was very hard to tell them yet God gave me the strength to do it! We have celebrated your birthday and I think of you each time I see your beautiful nieces . I'm so very very sorry for what I did to you, please forgive me. I know that one day I will be with you in heaven. In the mean time, please pray for me, your brothers and your father, your nieces and nephew, our complete bloodline. Rest in the arms of Jesus Mother Mary and Nana, Grandma and all our departed loved ones. You will never be forgotten. I carry you within me deep inside my heart. I love you my angel princess Elizabeth Marie Carrillo, your sorrowful mom     

I never got to give you the gift of life but you will always be remembered, and I will always think about who you would have been. Love, your mummy Bethany.     

My sweet tender one. Oh how I wish I could have met you and caressed the cheeks of your soft smiling face. I think of you every day when I awake and every night as I cry myself to sleep. You were too good for an awful world like this. I wish things could have been different. May the gates of paradise welcome you with open arms, and may God forgive me to greet you there. Kaddish, my prince.  

Dearest darling Luke (that's the name I had chosen),

What can I say except that I'm so sorry. You were unplanned but very much wanted in our family.

When we got the bad result of the 20 week scan I just couldn't cope. Your dad wanted us to keep you but I couldn't do it. To you, to your brother and most of all I couldn't do it to me.

Selfish.

I felt at the time that it would have been life changing, for all of us. I'm sorry but I just couldn't do it. I knew immediately. It took me a few days to talk your dad around. He was braver than me. He felt we could cope. I didn't want to cope and for that I am ashamed.

I have suffered for almost 17 years now - you are often in my thoughts. I know you are still around me and I've seen you over the years.

I paid the price by losing 3 other babies after that. Was that you trying to come back in another form? I'll never know. I've paid in other ways too I am sure. Payback for what I did.

You had a big brother - and you have two younger sisters now. Your brother is about to turn 18 and I sense that he knew about you. I sense he grieves for you but doesn't know what he's grieving for. He often said when he was younger that he wanted a brother but he wanted that brother to be a year or so younger than him - how could he know he was talking about you.

We are going to tell him. I don't know how he will feel but I want to explain to him why I have been such a stressed out mother all these years.

I hope he will forgive me. I hope you have forgiven me. I need to forgive myself.

I love you

Mum xxxx  

Matthew,
I am so sorry that you were denied a life! Your dad was selfish and only cared about himself! Abortion shot out of his mouth the second I told him about you. He bullied me, pressured me, blamed me, and lied to me to get me to lose you.

Deep down I knew he didn’t love me and I should have been braver! I didn’t want you not to have a dad- but instead of that you didn’t get a life! Which is way worse. I know God forgives me and I know you forgive me...maybe one day your dad will actually have some remorse and you can forgive him if that day ever comes. I don’t care. I know I’ll be with you in heaven...I can be a great mom to you and God is the best father. I will think about you, live the best life I can in your memory, help people and take good care of my kids on Earth.

I wish I had been able to stand up for myself. I wish I wasn’t so naive, I wish I had realized the type of person I was dealing with. I wish I had not gone into that hospital after I begged him not to make me.

You are surrounded in perfect love and even though to some you didn’t exist- I know you have been in the thoughts of many people on Earth....the “family” who learned about you. I am your mom and I know you existed and still do in heaven. God won’t keep us apart forever. One day I’ll come home to you, I promise if there is a way, I’ll come.

To your daddy “sperm donor” (if you can even call him that): I hope you one day understand the pain you caused me and what you did to our child. Even if you were using me for sex and didn’t love me, you had no right to put me through this and end our child’s life!! Everything you did since then is on our backs... all your accomplishments are not truly yours!! I did you a big favor and you tore my heart out! Enjoy all your success, meaningless relationships and casual sex and let’s hope the man in the clouds doesn’t judge you- ultimately there is a final judgement. I hope one day you realize that and make spiritual amends. Your son is waiting.

Love you forever my angel baby! Every time I look up at the stars I think of you. Every time I see fireflies I think of you. I’ll love you by moving on with my life and being the awesome mom you’d be proud of.

Love your mom      

Brenden- you are always in my mind and in my heart. I miss you every day. I still can't understand why you had to go so soon. I pray I will see you again so I can hold you and tell you how much I love you. Love, Mom    

Carter, you would be 34 now, my child that first made me a Mom. You are always in my thoughts, prayers and dreams. I pray with everything that I will see you again, hold you, tell you everything. I am so happy you are with God and he is taking care of you. I miss you every day. Love, Mom