To the baby,
I love you, so much. Your mom and your dad love you immensely. We have always loved babies and have babied each other out of love. We have imagined having a baby together and seeing them grow up.
When you came in my life, I kind of knew that I had someone with me throughout my days. I knew you were in my belly. The test only confirmed my thoughts. I was overwhelmed. I didn't want to cry, but I wanted to take it in that you were with me.
Your father was happy, too. But these emotions couldn't last seconds before thoughts of how it has to be handled flooded in. We immediately panicked, your father handled me and ensured that things will be okay.
I felt guilty about involving him again in my life when I needed him like this. But, it was a blessing in disguise. We held you together, and felt so much love for you. For the three of us. Our small little world in this huge world.
Your father was with me throughout the tests and procedures, he was so careful and attentive about me. He comforted me and made every arrangement for the procedure.
The two days I knew you were with me, I couldn't help but feel complete. I was panicking, obviously, but I was filled with sorrow of parting with you.
I did it because my mom and dad won't be able to handle this. I don't want to imagine what would have happened. I wasn't ready for you, and neither was your dad.
Believe me, we would have loved to be ready for you and welcome you in our arms together, to give you all the love with which we made you.
But I am sorry. I am so sorry, I haven't come this far in life to be able to protect and provide for you. Love just isn't enough. I know that if I had taken better measures in life, maybe, just maybe I would have been earning enough by now and settled with your father to have welcomed you happily. I am sorry, I am not there yet. When I will be, I don't know if I'll be able to make another baby like you because I would be thinking of you only. Your father thinks otherwise.
During the procedure, I felt very cold, scared, and I felt all the pain there was. But, it wasn't so bad because I knew I deserved that pain. Those were my consequences.
Eventually, you left us and only pain was left. I felt the pain in my heart, my soul, and my body. Looking back, I know I deserved it all, but I wasn't taking it well back then. My body was giving up on me, as if my womb was crying for your loss. I felt all of it.
Now that my body and mind is healing, my soul doesn't want it to go back to how things were before you. It doesn't want to forget you.
I am dreading the day I experience no pain, because maybe I won't be reminded of you again and I don't want to forget you. I don't want this pain to go away, because I don't want you to go away.
This is very hard on your father, and I know it'll be harder to understand whatever I feel, because what I'm feeling is illogical and impractical.
I'm filling this hole you left in my soul with things like joy from knitting, cooking, sunlight, movies, warmth of the heater or the blanket, or even cuddles from your father.. but I think it's a bit too deep to fill yet.
Maybe it would have been different if my close friends knew, or another person who has gone through this knew, but right now, I feel alone. It doesn't mean your father isn't of help. He is. He is also going through the loss of you. He loved you immensely. He loves me and I love him, too. We'll figure it out.